A giant ball of fire, A.K.A. The sun

Now, for those of you who don’t know (or else attend public school), the sun is a very important part of all life. It keeps us warm (Often to a rather uncomfortable extent), makes our plants grow (forcing us to mow the lawn on a frequent basis), and gives us daylight to see by (Ensuring that we never get enough sleep). However, while the sun is necessary, it is not entirely enjoyable. Remember those days where the Yuppies would run outdoors yelling things like “Take me, mister sun, make me pretty”.
As it turns out those Yuppies were wrong. The sun, as enjoyable as it is, can cause burning or worse (charring, in some unlucky cases, such as people who wear heavy metallic necklaces into the sun, or else fall asleep while lying on charcoal grills). As it would turn out, the sun does quite the opposite, (unless you consider beauty to be the “grilled lobster look”. More on this later), often making skin fry and pores to clog up, along with causing eye damage and general discomfort. Yet, avoiding the problems of the sun by no way means blacking out your house and living life like a secluded blond albino, you can go perfectly happy without having to make your hair blond. The rest of the stuff unfortunately is perfectly necessary. To help the process out, see the below checklist

□ Step one: Express your anger to the sun. This is the simple step. All you need to do is run outdoors, hold up your fist and yell “CURSE YOU SUN!” at the top of your lungs. For safety reasons, it is advised to make sure that you are alone when you do this

□ Step two: Identify how the sun’s light is entering your home. The simplest way to do this is to turn the lights off and walk around the house. Try to figure where the light is coming from. If you can’t see any then you can skip the next three steps (Or else retry this during the daytime)

□ Step three: Pour butter on top of a stack of pancakes. This way, you can enjoy a nice hearty pancake meal after you finish sun-proofing your house

□ Step four: Sun proof your house. This comes into a simple one-two punch method. First, you want to re-find the places where the sun is entering your house. Second, you want to fill these areas with roofing concrete, until the sun no longer bothers you.

□ Step five: Enjoy a pancake meal. Make sure to use plenty of maple syrup.

□ Step six: Eliminate threats to your safety. Sadly, not everybody employs the idealism conveyed in this blog. So, when accepting visitors, make sure to look out for several tell-tale signs that they might be a threat to your security

o A deep tan. This means the person has spent a lot of time in the sun. If the tan is orange, they’ve just been baking under a tanning bed. In which case, you still shouldn’t be around them.

o A long coat, a large hat, and a wooden stake. If you have people like this at your door, it means you’ve been mistaken for a vampire. It is advised to move.

o Someone with a large box. Actually, the box could contain almost anything. Still, don’t take any chances. Show them the door (But don’t actually go through it).

o An unnatural glow. Even if this glow isn’t solar, it still isn’t a good idea to have these people in your house

□ Step seven: Dress for success. Since you’ve taken effort to block the sun from your life, it helps to dress in such a way that incorporates the changes. Ideally, men would be dressed in a long black formal coat, complete with coattails, top hat and black, shaggy hair, with women garnering a long gothic dress (preferably red) with plenty of frill. Also, add formal driving gloves

□ Step eight: Always have an escape route. You may think “My defenses are perfect”, but odds are, if you actually followed any of the advice in this book, many things will be far from perfect. We recommend digging beneath your basement until you hit an aquifer, then putting an escape boat-house onto it.

A few easy steps and Viola! You now live a perfectly safe life, hiding from one of the world’s most natural things! But such is the cost of a happy, fulfilling existence. Just remember, if you are forced to go outside, for whatever reason, you should always 日本語で話しなさい.