My great idea for the television industry

As of late, it strikes me that television shows are beginning to become more and more inane. Naturally, I would respond to this problem the same way I respond to political unrest and teen pregnant people; mainly: ignore it. However, during one of my 2:30 AM brainstorming sessions, it has indeed occurred to me that I could indeed perhaps contribute somehow to noted industry. That and the fact I am finally in an inspired mood, and would hate to waste the perfectly good chance to practically vomit out sarcasm and wit onto the internet.

Without any further verbal ado, I give you my best idea of the day.

America's Next Top Jesus

The "reality" purpose of this faith-driven reality TV show would be entirely to find the next best candidate for Jesus. Naturally, this show would be divided into five month seasons with a new episode airing every Sunday, as to give the religious families something to do during the nights after they finish a long day of throwing virgins into volcanoes at church, or whatever it is they do.

The season would begin with about fifty bearded men being rounded up from suburban homes, church, rehab centers and jails. The bearded men would then be given numbers and thrown into the ocean from a fishing barge. At the end of the day, the survivors (as defined by the people who didn't drown; quite possibly because they might be able to walk on water. Or else make a raft out of the other contestants) would then be rounded up with a modified aquatic combine mower and herded into an upbeat Vegas hotel with room service and daily organ concerts, which would serve as the "home base" for the show.

Following such beginning trials, the noted men (and perhaps a women on testosterone to mix up the show a bit and provide for a really awkward public relationship) would be forced to run away from heavily armed Italians while giving rousing public speeches on top of natural inclines.

Each of the rousing religious speech would be judged by a panel of four judges, consisting of Tyra Banks, Tarja Turunen, Fidel Castro and Gregory Rasputin. At the end of each week, the judges would determine a "weakest link" who would then be dragged out into a Middle Eastern territory, stripped by a pair of comicly dressed GIMPS and stoned to death, both drug wise and rock wise.

At the end of the season, the remaining men would be put on trial in front of a court consisting of kidnapped senior citizens for a combination of high treason and parking fines which would be juried by The Ted Bundy Fan Club. Those who are not convicted get to continue on to the next part of the show, where they would be publicly beaten by any spectator willing to pay $50 for an authentic Passion of The Chirst Beatin' Stick.

Any of the contestants who did indeed survive noted event would first be closely examined to confirm that the identity of such is not Tuomas Holopainen before getting drugged and crucified during the halftime of an NFL game. Any player following halftime that knocks the cross down scores a touchdown for his team. If one of the members of the previous round was Tuomas Holopainen, he is indeed allowed to stand at the foot of the crosses and throw potatoes at the other contestants while crying.

Following crucifixion, the bodies of the contestants would be dumped into a mineshaft in New Hampshire, which would then be sealed with dynamite, and casting for the next season would then begin.

In the event that one of the contestants does indeed crawl out of the mineshaft, said person would indeed by crowned the New Messiah, before being handed over to Shagrath, who would throw Skittles at him.