What the VMA awards would look life if God was doing his job right.

After listening to so much crap about the VMA awards and reading the roster, it came to my attention that everyone on the show sucked. And I mean SUCKED. We are talking about a suck so epic, that I'm pretty sure the VMA awards are the biggest insult to God since the Tower Of Babel, an attempt by a bunch of stupid people to pierce the heavens with a massive phallus, which is basically what the VMA awards are.

So, rather than doing anything productive, I took a few minutes out of my busy Sunday night, turned up the music in my room real loud so I could pretend to ignore my family asking me to do things (I'm listening to some Rhapsody of Fire, by the way, check them out) and produced a list of how the VMA awards would have been handed out if MTV actually knew what music is.

Now, I'm sure that my thinking may not be super apparent in all of these topics, so I graciously provided a caption under all of them, so my reasoning would be more clear. Now that this is all in place, you have absolutely no reason short of admitting you listen to crappy music to disagree.

Of course, in arguing, you will probably be wrong.

Also, please note that I created this list based off of the past victories list from the MTV website. I do admit things probably have changed since then, so please, don't bother mentioning that.

Now that we have that out of the way, here we go!

Video Of The Year: Kamelot – Love You To Death
(If you wonder why, you probably aren’t capable of actually hearing things. OR seeing them for that matter)

Best Alternative Video: Korpiklaani – Vodka
(Alternative doesn’t really have any meaning besides the evil marketing executives thinking “well, we can’t instantly give these guys a label that corresponds to a vague base value, let’s slap an alternative label so everybody who think they’re different because they mix it up by listening to bands they actually discover on their own once and a while will buy it because it’s alternative”. What’s sad is that these people are right. This award goes to Korpiklaani for being unapproachably distinctive.)

Best Art Direction – Omadaka- Kokiriko Bushi
(Seeing as one guy with a lot of time on his hands managed to accomplish what the MTV drones still haven’t managed to even touch, Omadaka deserves this award)

Best Cinematography: Tarja – I Walk Alone
(Funny, I thought this was about the music. Either way, Tarja gets this award. I Walk Alone is like watching a movie. A rather good movie by Tarja standards)

Best Choreography: DJ Ozma – Age Age! Every Knight.
(If you don’t get this one, just tell any Mori No Ike person that AAEK isn’t amazing.. Then, try to ensure that you manage to squeeze most of your vital organs back into your body so you can at least die in mostly one piece)

Best Concept Video: Anj - Gorbachev
(If you wonder why, you haven’t seen the video yet)


Best Editing: Eluveitie - Omnos
(A beautiful cinematic masterpiece that tells a story in a language that has long since gone extinct)

Best Female Video: Sirenia – Path To Decay
(This is only until Epicas’ new video comes out)

Best Group: Kamelot
(Really)

Best Group Video: Kamelot – Love You To Death
(You may notice that Kamelot is winning a lot of awards here. You may also notice that Kamelot deserves a lot of awards.)

Best Hard Rock video: Hammerfall – Any Means Necessary
(Stuff exploding then reforming, only to explode again. And Hammerfall. Yes)

Best Heavy Metal Video: Battlelore – The Third Immortal
(Take an epic drum score, contrasting vocals and a chick who is fluent in Elven and you get a masterpiece)

Best Hip-Hop: The Cruxshadows – My Revenge On The World
(In addition to being one of the few Goth bands that produces dance music, The Cruxshadows are about the closest that you can get to conventional hip-hop without sucking)

Best Long-Form Video: Therion – The Miskloc Experience
(Therion + Entire Orchestra = F*** YEAH SEAKING)

Best Male Video: Gackt – Jesus
(In addition to being horribly ironic and possibly blasphemous, this video is a great combination of Gackt’s awesome and a nice healthy dose of an hero)

Best Metal\Hard Rock Video: Amorphis – Silver Bride
(While I have a nagging feeling that this topic has already been addressed, I’m just moving down the list of categories. Also, this is the perfect place for Amorphis to win something. Hooray!)

Best New Artist: Katra and/or Glass Delirium
(While Glass Delirium is more awesome than Katra, Katra does pull the one up by having a video with more special effects than Glass Delirium’s live video. To whichever member checks the Facebook: please make a video soon!)

Best Overall Performance: Kamelot
(Again)

Best Pop Video: Gackt – The Next Decade
(Delivering a healthy dose of Gackt in a way that only Gackt can)

Best R&B Video: None (Yet)
(Seeing as R&B really just consists of artists talking about sex, money, drugs, fast cars and monogamy, I’m making a video that features me walking around Downtown Denver in some mismatched clothes from popular stores while talking in a really off-key way about having sec in a fast car while doing drugs and being monogamous while scantily-clad women dance around the prove the point. This will be the best video of the year.)

Best Rock Video: The GazettE – Distress And Coma
(The GazettE’s long awaited return to the Stacked Rubbish style. Hooray!)

Best Special Effects: Hammerfall – Any Means Necessary
(So I’ve been told it costs a lot of money to blow things up)

Best Stage Performance: Therion
(I was almost tempted to give this to Kamelot. The contest ended up being decided by who has more Snowy Shaw.)

Best Video From A Film: Gackt – Ghost
(Electro-dance mix and The Terminator. I think so!)

Best Video Game Soundtrack: Guilty Gear XX Λ Core Plus
(The fact that it has Doctor Faust in it is a simple added plus)

Female Artist Of The Year: Simone Simons of Epica
(There’s no contest to this one. At all)

Male Artist Of The Year: Miyavi
(Ask around)

Most Earth Shattering Collaboration: Annete Olzen and Pain – Follow Me
(If that’s not a big deal, I don’t know what is)

Most Experimental Video: Anj – Gorbachev
(Stalin Zombies, Strippers, Capitalist rain and Prime Minister Of Russia Killing Machine? Beat That!)

Quadruple Thwart Of the Year: Roy Khan + Shagrath + Shsaca Parith + Thomas Youngblood
(Although this is a bit old, this category was obviously invented as a onetime thing. Also, the results of this super-lineup were enough to make this the Quadruple Threat of every year. Literally)

Video Vanguard Award: Sonic Syndicate – POWERSHIFT
(I actually have no idea what this award is. So I’m giving to a band I stopped paying attention to)

Viewer’s Choice Award: Gackt – Jesus
(A guy who looks like a combination of Anton Chigur and a generic punk rocker capping himself with a Walther while Gackt jumps around on tables and acts demonically? YESYESYESYESYES)