Halloween, or whatever it's called now

I’d like to take a moment to address the topic of ever increasing dependency on Chinese imports.

That was it.

Now, I would like to take a look at our modern perceptions of Halloween. In the good old days, during the fall, you couldn’t through a communist down a singe neighborhood street without hitting mountains of Halloween gore, scary décor or children dressed up in a disturbingly macabre manner. Actually, in my old neighborhood, there was plenty of gore even during the spring and summer. At least until the local dealers got mauled by a bear nailed to Jesus.

However, in modern day, the holiday has fallen to a state of decadence. No longer do we see children walking around in homemade costumes with enough homemade (and increasingly authentic) blood and gore to place them as honorary members of the Ted Bundy Fan Club. What we do see, unfortunately, is an entire army of little children (who are apparently asexual, as they seem to multiply when given large amounts of sugar) in the generic “princess” outfit for the girls, and the “ninja” outfit for the boys, and for the hermaphrodites, the “ninja princess”, which is just as entertaining as it is disturbing.

Of course, this is understandable, as the holiday is now clearly about candy, as opposed to the good old “values” of Halloween, namely scaring Farmer Leroy to the point he’s suffering two or three heart attacks at once while he shoots at little Timmy with this .22 Winchester while attempting to run the rest of the beastly children over with a combine mower.

No, ladies and gentlemen, the holiday has degraded to a complete obsession with collecting candy. Now assuming this was done in the normal macabre manner, perhaps through a conventional creative mean of pulling the gas plugs on Farmer Leroy’s combine mower, filling his rifle with shock powder, and running into his house and consuming his sweets as he dies a horrible and painful death at the hands of children, the the Halloween might retain some of its former grace. Alas, no longer.

But no, instead the only real means of collecting candy is door to door begging, very much leading me to wonder if the holiday has any Mormon origins. Course; when all the children ask “Trick or treat?” to the obviously emotionally shot parents (Who were up to 1:00 in the morning ensuring their son/daughter has one of the only THREE Hannah Montana costumes in THE ENTIRE DAMN COUNTRY), they know they’ll get candy. It’s much easier then actually entertaining the children with some “trick”, such as giving them an increasingly hands on demonstration on how to make a condom out the stomach of a goat, complete with “ribs”.

What I would really like to see is a bunch of cheap prostitutes living in a suburban home during Halloween. Maybe the “tricks” and “treats” the children get might be a little different then what they had in mind. And maybe a bit illegal.