The Major Religions in a nutshell

Now, before I have a bunch of dedicated religious fanatics and families from Kansas and Iowa showing up at my doorstep in the wee hours of the morning and throwing bibles at me in an attempt to “prevent” anything bad from happening to me (Such as me being thrown into a large, somehow metaphysical lake of fire incapable of causing anything more than extreme pain), I would like to note that I am in no way attacking any religions of religious groups. I am merely presenting a single, unbiased viewpoint on the various religions, in the hope that people will have enough intelligence to choose their own. So, as noted, primary religions are as follows:

Atheism: One of the more simple beliefs. Nothing special happened, and nothing special ever will. For some unexplained reason, people with this religion seem to have a fair amount of extra time on their hands.

Christianity: The simple belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father was nailed to a few pieces of wood so he would enter a giant metaphysical area somewhere in the sky, so he can make you immortal provided you symbolically eat his flesh and blood along with talking to him telepathically and tell him you want him to be your master so he can remove from you a sin that is present in humanity thanks to a Rib-Woman being convinced by a talking snake to eat fruit from a magical tree. Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Judaism: The belief that a bearded herder was talked to by a giant, flying, invisible man via a piece of inflamed forage, which told him to liberate then entire workforce of Egypt which eventually happened via the use of metaphysical weapons of mass destruction. After freeing the people, he climbed to the top of a mountain where he, alone, received a list from said flying invisible man on ten things that he and his people were never to do, or else he would roast them. And nothing bad ever happened to the Jews again.

Pagan: Now, before I start to explain this one, let me make one thing clear. Pagan is not a form of witchcraft or Satan worshiping cult (See Satanist). Pagan is, as a matter of fact, a bunch of primarily fun loving people who believe in balance through nature, and often respect the gods through offering, such as wine or food. Also, please note that pentacles (The five pointed stars you buy at Hot Topic) are not Pagan symbols. Pentacles are the sign of the Illuminati, a religious group based in Europe, who was later wiped out by the Catholic Church (As much as I would love to go into this, there is already a good book about it. I would recommend reading it, that is, after you finish reading this one).

Scientologist: The belief that an alien king named Xenu (who ruled over a giant galactic empire) one day decided that his galaxy was overpopulated, and thus had the inhabitants of it frozen, and transported to Earth in spaceships that look exactly like Douglas DC-8’s (plus rocket engines), and dropped in the fires of a few volcanoes in Hawaii. The aliens all melted, resulting in their souls flying up, where Xenu caught them with a giant machine, and brainwashed them to believe false theology and thus making them very miserable. The souls flew around aimlessly until they finally inhabited a pack of Neanderthals, who evolved into humans, who are now miserable because of said souls. Please note that this religion was founded by a science-fiction writer who thought all of this up while under the knife (it is shown that the anesthesia used can cause rather odd dreams, much like the one Hubbard, the founder, had while he “discovered the universal truth”) Also, please note that the only way to advance in this religion, is to donate money to it. Thank you.

Satanist: A religion founded when a whole bunch of people got together and realized they hated Christianity enough to found a counter-religion, but didn’t have enough originality to create a brand new god. So instead, they opted to use the “Bad guy” of the Christian faith (Satan/the Devil/people who aren’t Christian), and opted to spread such influence by having bots post about it on YouTube consistently, much to the annoyance of the people trying to watch Korn Videos. Please note that the current High Priestess is a 40-something year old accountant who lives in New York City (no joke).

Alchemist: A religion founded when a bunch of Full Metal Alchemist fans got together and decided to found a religion based off of a Fantasy/Sci-Fi Manga. Members of said religion tend to be always single, over 250 pounds, and proficient in writing fan fiction. Enough said.

Pastafarian: The classic, fun-loving people who believe that the world was created by a flying spaghetti monster justly named: The Flying Spaghetti Monster. That aside, said religion sees Pirates as sacred emissaries to said monster’s words, and Fridays as holy holidays. Of course, no description would be complete without a mention of the Pastafarian heaven, which happens to contain both a volcano that spews forth beer and a factory which produces strippers. This particular religion is very popular among college students and little children.

Hinduism: A belief that the gods (The same ones who made it unholy to eat beef) control almost every imaginable matter. Also, when you die, depending on what you did during your life, you may get reborn as an infernal animal (Which is apparently a punishment).

Buddhist: The simple, honest religion for people who figure that the less they have, the happier they will be, much to the distaste of the people who control the capitalist market. They focus on reward through self discipline (and not in a sense of “Hey, I didn’t eat this slice of cake, so instead I’m going to have two cupcakes!”). These people also tend to find themselves with a lot of extra time.

Hitmen, and lack of them

Alright ladies and gentlemen, have you ever been talking to someone and they can't help but say something like "OMG, IM A HITMAN, LOLZ"? Doesn't it make you just want to stab something? Or for that matter, strangle something? Or use a lot of theoretical questions?

Now, this wouldn't be an issue at all is these people had ever held a length of garroting wire, or carry a silenced P99 with them. Hell, I would even settle for someone carrying around a Butterfly or WASP knife, so long as they did so in a really smarmy fashion. Sadly, doing the occasional lackluster stunt and threatening to kill someone after they steal some of your food does not make you a Hitman.

Another thing. A Hitman is a highly professional (Most of the time) and skilled assassin who's entire job relies on secrecy and staying anonymous. Riddle me this: Why would someone who preforms professional and hard to track killing for a living announce his/her occupation, much less on a MySpace profile? It's like driving a big white van with the words "Dead Bodies Inside" around a heavily policed area just for the fun of it. Come to think of that, I'm going to try that sometime, while wearing a purple tuxedo. Look for me on dateline.

Buy some Kevlar padded suits and a Denel NTW-20 in a padded briefcase. Strangle someone to death in a elevator and hide the body in a roof. Then call yourself a hitman. Otherwise, shut up.