As you are probably no doubt aware, assuming you don't live under a rock, or for that matter, an Australian love dungeon, you would know the increasing beef the Christian church has with metal music. However, now that the metal industry is finally seeing its share of Christian driven music, we have to wonder what's next. I strongly suspect Christian ritualistic slaughter, Christian drug raves and Christian White Supremacy (oh, wait).
Of course, the obvious error doesn't hit me deep nearly so much as the music does. The melody is always uninspired, the vocals indifferent, and the bass notes could simply be recreated by jamming the neck of an electric guitar into a violin and whacking it with a cat for a few hours. Listening to the average song is like listening to a song by Nirvana, save for the fact that instead of any tangible rhythm, the band seems determined to break their instruments by frantically whacking them in random places. That and the fact that replacing any decent lyrics are just inaudible moaning and random snippets of officious sounding prayer.
On the subject of lyrics, I don't think it's occurred to most of these bands that adding the occasional "Praise Jesus" to the normal inane vocals of metal add absolutely no "Holy" effect to the music at all. Actually, I'm pretty sure adding the phrase "Sieg Heil" would probably argument the effect even more. Consider for example these lyrics:
You live your life as if you really didn't care. You're on a train heading straight for despair. You hate your past, the future's a joke. The only thing you want is another line of coke. Doing drugs, you feel the need to get high. One more drink. Did you ever wonder why. You say you're lonely, you wanna die. Become fed up with living a lie.
But Jesus said, "I do care". Jesus said "I'll be there."
Now, at first inspection, the first segment of above song comes across as one of the many lackluster rap songs that plague our generation these days. Of course, this is all supposed to change when the second paragraph begins, as supposedly Jesus, the metaphysical Jewish zombie who is his only father, has decided to take grace up upon the man/women. This raises a few red flags. First and foremost, Jesus is talking to the drug addict. Since none of the sober people I know have ever actually heard Jesus, this calls the legitimacy of said promise into question. Yes, Jesus is talking to the drug addict, but I have the feeling the next time he shoots up, Jesus will be replaced by a talking pink bear nailed to Harrison Ford.
Also, said lyrics suggest the drug addiction that the drug addiction the addressed is a lie. Call me crazy, but I'm sure doing drugs doesn't even hold a candle into telepathically attempting to address a giant, flying, invisible man who can blow things up with his mind.
And finally, what would converting to Christianity even do to stop said addiction? Logic forces me to assume that if a drug addict saw a toga-clad, glowing bearded man promising him eternal dedication, it wouldn't exactly promote feelings of sobriety.
All in all, Christian Metal is yet another failed attempt by the church at kicking ass but still holding true to the lord. I'd like to draw a contrast to yet another time the Church attempted this, which resulted in them marching over the east attempting to steal a holy land back from the "Infidels" (who were so called so because they wore jerseys with the word "Infidels" written across the front in technicolor, followed by a number and picture of Genghis Kahn partaking in underwater basket weaving). Of course, the Church felt the compulsion to do so in metal armor, and sometimes made it a whole five miles into the desert before dying of heatstroke. The Christians eventually stole back the holy land, but unfortunately only a small enough amount to fill a shoebox (leading people to wonder why extravagantly clad men were carrying around a box full of dirt), and took to burning at stake just about anybody who tried to mention it at dinner parties from then on.
In conclusion I'm going to offer Christian Metal the same advice I offer Pop music, namely "Sound good or shut up". Of course, as much as I would like to convince myself that this could happen, the odds of it are about as likely as me developing a personality.
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