My life, or something similar

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. So early, I can't remember it too well. I do know, however that I was born in a Hell's Angel's roadside clinic, under a Colombian birth operation (My father was deported, my mother was given drugs, and the nurse did all the screaming). When I was five, my Uncle Ricardo got out of jail, and figured he would teach me how to hunt caribou. He did alright, although I suspect it was a rather unconventional way of doing so. Uncle Ricardo would stalk the caribou for a few minutes, then jump out and scream at it. While it was recoiling, he would tackle it and immediately start slamming its head in the car door and frame he carried around, while continuously asking it "Did I stutter? DID I STUTTER?".

I come to suspect that my parents were rather unorthodox as well. My bath toys were a toaster, a bug lamp and a middle aged Vietnamese man. When I went to preschool, the teacher seemed transfixed with teaching us various religious slang, and before I knew it, I was kicked out of three churches, two temples, and a rock used for meditating.

When I was 12, I entered middle school like all the other children. My parents got a divorce, as my mother claimed that "If daddy leaves the toilet seat up one more time, I gonna' pull the trigger". To this day, I don't understand what she meant. The school I attended had a man nailed to two pieces of wood in the lobby. No, it was not a Christian school. I think the man was the principal, and I'm pretty sure that having 5 pound wooden blocks for ear piercings is anything but enjoyable. Those were dark years.

High school was a little different. I had to walk 18 miles to school every day, and it was uphill both ways. Yes, the school was only a mile away, but I had to walk back and forth nine times, because times were rough then. You see, in the neighborhood I lived in, there was graffiti everywhere. On the sidewalks, the stores, the cars, even on the cops. And for those wondering how the trip was uphill both ways? The school was on the top of a rather large hill, which the house I lived in at the time was built on (It was later turned into a church, which was condemned by the city on Good Friday, and knocked down after the neighborhood kids were killed by a rapist who worked at K-Mart, who was upset that the Wal-Mart exploded, killing 19.5 people)

I didn't hit puberty until 13, where in an attempt to grow me up, my Uncle Blitzen brought me beef jerky and hot sauce. Thanks to the manliness of the foods, I aged 4 years in one night, grew a mustache, a goatee, and Afro and a uni brow. After that, the kids started looking at me in a strange way.

I joined theater in my sophomore year, where I got the lead part in the school play: Coffee And Milf. The theater teacher wrote the script himself. During the play, I was required to do a make out scene, which went relatively well on the night of the play, until it came to light that the lead actress was instead a man (Who was later arrested for unrelated reasons).

I decided to take advantage of the economic boom that was happening at the time (August 4th, 5:00 - 6:30 PM), and started my own business. I would ride around on a pink girls' bike and smash kneecaps for a nominal fee. I later had to shut down thanks to some "red tape" created when I claimed gunshot wounds as tax-deductible.

It was during this time, as I was lying in the ICU in the same Hell's Angel's roadside clinic I was born in. It was during this time that I saw an image of Hell, a religious experience that, to me, was more frightening then Tarja Turunen's solo career.

Hell for me was a simple, tile coated hallway, saturated with dentists' chairs. I was strapped to one of these chairs to the point I was immobile, with bright florescent lights shining down on my face. At first, things seemed rather not unpleasant, until I was approached by a senile lady. Said lady began wailing at me in Spanish, which quickly transitioned to French, which in turn became Kilgon. This continued all through the night until I finally woke up screaming with such intensity, the driver of the mobile clinic confused the sounds for sirens, drove into the forest, crashed the clinic, fatally mauling a bear in a Park Ranger Hat.

While I can honestly say that I cannot complete this story, as my life is not over, I can honestly say that you might expect to see an ending sometime soon, as unless somebody manages to intercept a package accidentally mailed to NBC, the Copper's won't purposefully miss for much longer.

Halloween, or whatever it's called now

I’d like to take a moment to address the topic of ever increasing dependency on Chinese imports.

That was it.

Now, I would like to take a look at our modern perceptions of Halloween. In the good old days, during the fall, you couldn’t through a communist down a singe neighborhood street without hitting mountains of Halloween gore, scary décor or children dressed up in a disturbingly macabre manner. Actually, in my old neighborhood, there was plenty of gore even during the spring and summer. At least until the local dealers got mauled by a bear nailed to Jesus.

However, in modern day, the holiday has fallen to a state of decadence. No longer do we see children walking around in homemade costumes with enough homemade (and increasingly authentic) blood and gore to place them as honorary members of the Ted Bundy Fan Club. What we do see, unfortunately, is an entire army of little children (who are apparently asexual, as they seem to multiply when given large amounts of sugar) in the generic “princess” outfit for the girls, and the “ninja” outfit for the boys, and for the hermaphrodites, the “ninja princess”, which is just as entertaining as it is disturbing.

Of course, this is understandable, as the holiday is now clearly about candy, as opposed to the good old “values” of Halloween, namely scaring Farmer Leroy to the point he’s suffering two or three heart attacks at once while he shoots at little Timmy with this .22 Winchester while attempting to run the rest of the beastly children over with a combine mower.

No, ladies and gentlemen, the holiday has degraded to a complete obsession with collecting candy. Now assuming this was done in the normal macabre manner, perhaps through a conventional creative mean of pulling the gas plugs on Farmer Leroy’s combine mower, filling his rifle with shock powder, and running into his house and consuming his sweets as he dies a horrible and painful death at the hands of children, the the Halloween might retain some of its former grace. Alas, no longer.

But no, instead the only real means of collecting candy is door to door begging, very much leading me to wonder if the holiday has any Mormon origins. Course; when all the children ask “Trick or treat?” to the obviously emotionally shot parents (Who were up to 1:00 in the morning ensuring their son/daughter has one of the only THREE Hannah Montana costumes in THE ENTIRE DAMN COUNTRY), they know they’ll get candy. It’s much easier then actually entertaining the children with some “trick”, such as giving them an increasingly hands on demonstration on how to make a condom out the stomach of a goat, complete with “ribs”.

What I would really like to see is a bunch of cheap prostitutes living in a suburban home during Halloween. Maybe the “tricks” and “treats” the children get might be a little different then what they had in mind. And maybe a bit illegal.

My take on big words

Retrospectively, possession of a substantial vocabulary entitled intellectual superiority dominating scholastically inferior individuals. Presently, superfluous terminology consequentially degrades individual eminence on the contemporary caste classification.

While demonstrations of assertiveness retain magnitude, the edifying decadence of aforementioned partaking is geometrically incremental, prompting investigation as to the relevance of demonstrated aptitude derived from said undertakings.

Conclusively, prevailing generations clearly do not hearten advancements of underrepresented intellectual minorities constituting for noted enlightened intelligence quota margins. Inhabitants in present continuum prioritize standardized and media influenced novelties.

How poignant.

Christian Metal; proof that being unholy isn't as easy as it sounds.

I'd like to take a moment to address the notably painful concept that is Christian metal. For some reason, whenever I so much as hear the phrase I cringe. Although I still have no idea why, I strongly suspect it has to deal with the paradox that is indeed adding a metal element to Christian music.

As you are probably no doubt aware, assuming you don't live under a rock, or for that matter, an Australian love dungeon, you would know the increasing beef the Christian church has with metal music. However, now that the metal industry is finally seeing its share of Christian driven music, we have to wonder what's next. I strongly suspect Christian ritualistic slaughter, Christian drug raves and Christian White Supremacy (oh, wait).

Of course, the obvious error doesn't hit me deep nearly so much as the music does. The melody is always uninspired, the vocals indifferent, and the bass notes could simply be recreated by jamming the neck of an electric guitar into a violin and whacking it with a cat for a few hours. Listening to the average song is like listening to a song by Nirvana, save for the fact that instead of any tangible rhythm, the band seems determined to break their instruments by frantically whacking them in random places. That and the fact that replacing any decent lyrics are just inaudible moaning and random snippets of officious sounding prayer.

On the subject of lyrics, I don't think it's occurred to most of these bands that adding the occasional "Praise Jesus" to the normal inane vocals of metal add absolutely no "Holy" effect to the music at all. Actually, I'm pretty sure adding the phrase "Sieg Heil" would probably argument the effect even more. Consider for example these lyrics:

You live your life as if you really didn't care. You're on a train heading straight for despair. You hate your past, the future's a joke. The only thing you want is another line of coke. Doing drugs, you feel the need to get high. One more drink. Did you ever wonder why. You say you're lonely, you wanna die. Become fed up with living a lie.

But Jesus said, "I do care". Jesus said "I'll be there."

Now, at first inspection, the first segment of above song comes across as one of the many lackluster rap songs that plague our generation these days. Of course, this is all supposed to change when the second paragraph begins, as supposedly Jesus, the metaphysical Jewish zombie who is his only father, has decided to take grace up upon the man/women. This raises a few red flags. First and foremost, Jesus is talking to the drug addict. Since none of the sober people I know have ever actually heard Jesus, this calls the legitimacy of said promise into question. Yes, Jesus is talking to the drug addict, but I have the feeling the next time he shoots up, Jesus will be replaced by a talking pink bear nailed to Harrison Ford.

Also, said lyrics suggest the drug addiction that the drug addiction the addressed is a lie. Call me crazy, but I'm sure doing drugs doesn't even hold a candle into telepathically attempting to address a giant, flying, invisible man who can blow things up with his mind.

And finally, what would converting to Christianity even do to stop said addiction? Logic forces me to assume that if a drug addict saw a toga-clad, glowing bearded man promising him eternal dedication, it wouldn't exactly promote feelings of sobriety.

All in all, Christian Metal is yet another failed attempt by the church at kicking ass but still holding true to the lord. I'd like to draw a contrast to yet another time the Church attempted this, which resulted in them marching over the east attempting to steal a holy land back from the "Infidels" (who were so called so because they wore jerseys with the word "Infidels" written across the front in technicolor, followed by a number and picture of Genghis Kahn partaking in underwater basket weaving). Of course, the Church felt the compulsion to do so in metal armor, and sometimes made it a whole five miles into the desert before dying of heatstroke. The Christians eventually stole back the holy land, but unfortunately only a small enough amount to fill a shoebox (leading people to wonder why extravagantly clad men were carrying around a box full of dirt), and took to burning at stake just about anybody who tried to mention it at dinner parties from then on.

In conclusion I'm going to offer Christian Metal the same advice I offer Pop music, namely "Sound good or shut up". Of course, as much as I would like to convince myself that this could happen, the odds of it are about as likely as me developing a personality.

Pollution

Among many of the other things in the outside world, it is impossible to forget pollution (Actually, it seems to be very feasible. The Republicans do it all the time). This is because of the pure extremity of pollution itself. It has been shown to be able to turn over entire busses, puncture even steel, and easily crush one of the members of the Green Bay Packers. Or maybe that’s Rhinoceroses? Whatever.

Anyways, my point is: pollution is not to be taken lightly. I ask you: Do you seriously want your children to live in a polluted world after you pass away? Personally, I say no for two reasons:

1. I don’t plan on having children
2. I don’t really care about what happens after I die, as I will be, in a manner of speaking, dead

Yet, as you may have figured out from reading previous works, it is ill-advised to take advice from me, to say the least. So instead, don’t just take my word for how serious this is.

It is commonly known that acid rain; a dangerous result of acidity levels in lakes and rivers increasing due to carbon dioxide exposure is growing more and more common. In a recent event, a large scale outburst of said dangerous rain recently fell right on the outskirts of Dammington, New Mexico. Because of the large scale of soil corrosion, trees were unable to grow in said area, which not only destroyed the town’s firewood stocks, but also forced the resident beavers to emigrate, and find a safer place to live. The result of such was the local dam, which had been keeping Lake Biggs full, eventually corroded without the aid of resident beavers to reinforce it. The result was the water in the lake draining, and leaving the town without water. As a result, the townspeople soon found themselves without fresh water. Venturing up the lake, a shocking discovery was made.

Resting inside the riverbed of Lake Biggs was a large metallic object, very similar to the “Weather Balloon” that had crashed in Roswell just years ago. The shocks of such a discovery lead the people to embrace the idea of life in outer space. Because of this, the town spent the next few months building a giant satellite dish, which was supposedly built for communicating with aliens.

While all this was happening, a Chinese aircraft that had gone terribly off course happened to pass over this small town, greatly shocking the airline pilot who later reported the large object to the Chinese defense office. The Chinese soon became afraid that the US would soon declare war on them, with this new seeming weapon, and immediately proceeded to create a secret weapon of their own: A worm capable of deleting all the porn on the internet. This angered The Netherlands, who would suffer an inevitable economic collapse if said worm ever was released. The Netherlands proceeded to draft an economic degree for the Geneva Convention that would ideally push human rights into effects, this preventing China from continuing its sweat-shop run economy.

In anger, China released the bug, causing the inevitable collapse of The Netherland’s economy. The Netherlands asked England for help, which immediately tried its failsafe solution for almost every problem: Declare War on Germany. Germany, in retaliation, asked Russia for assistance, which attacked Greece, who attacked Belgium, who attacked Italy, who attempted to garrison troops in Luxemburg. Unfortunately, right after crossing the border, the Italian truck broke down, leaving the troops stranded in an unforgiving land full of moonshine factories and topless bars. Luxemburg addressed the threat by sending out their “Army of one” (Seriously, his name’s Pierre) out to Ireland, who immediately declared religious war on Scotland.

Scotland called in the aid of Spain, who attempted to seize control of Portugal. Portugal quickly countered by throwing rocks at Nickelback. In all the confusion, France Declared War on itself (and lost).

Naturally, after a few days of all this, most of the sides had forgot their standing, and immediately proceeded to sign The Treaty of France XXIV. Of course, the American news was too busy doing a report on a rich, blond, white girl who had been kidnapped by a senior, unarmed, hippy and held within 100 feet of her home. Later, she was found walking around with him in disguise and using a fake accent (Really).

The Major Religions in a nutshell

Now, before I have a bunch of dedicated religious fanatics and families from Kansas and Iowa showing up at my doorstep in the wee hours of the morning and throwing bibles at me in an attempt to “prevent” anything bad from happening to me (Such as me being thrown into a large, somehow metaphysical lake of fire incapable of causing anything more than extreme pain), I would like to note that I am in no way attacking any religions of religious groups. I am merely presenting a single, unbiased viewpoint on the various religions, in the hope that people will have enough intelligence to choose their own. So, as noted, primary religions are as follows:

Atheism: One of the more simple beliefs. Nothing special happened, and nothing special ever will. For some unexplained reason, people with this religion seem to have a fair amount of extra time on their hands.

Christianity: The simple belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father was nailed to a few pieces of wood so he would enter a giant metaphysical area somewhere in the sky, so he can make you immortal provided you symbolically eat his flesh and blood along with talking to him telepathically and tell him you want him to be your master so he can remove from you a sin that is present in humanity thanks to a Rib-Woman being convinced by a talking snake to eat fruit from a magical tree. Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Judaism: The belief that a bearded herder was talked to by a giant, flying, invisible man via a piece of inflamed forage, which told him to liberate then entire workforce of Egypt which eventually happened via the use of metaphysical weapons of mass destruction. After freeing the people, he climbed to the top of a mountain where he, alone, received a list from said flying invisible man on ten things that he and his people were never to do, or else he would roast them. And nothing bad ever happened to the Jews again.

Pagan: Now, before I start to explain this one, let me make one thing clear. Pagan is not a form of witchcraft or Satan worshiping cult (See Satanist). Pagan is, as a matter of fact, a bunch of primarily fun loving people who believe in balance through nature, and often respect the gods through offering, such as wine or food. Also, please note that pentacles (The five pointed stars you buy at Hot Topic) are not Pagan symbols. Pentacles are the sign of the Illuminati, a religious group based in Europe, who was later wiped out by the Catholic Church (As much as I would love to go into this, there is already a good book about it. I would recommend reading it, that is, after you finish reading this one).

Scientologist: The belief that an alien king named Xenu (who ruled over a giant galactic empire) one day decided that his galaxy was overpopulated, and thus had the inhabitants of it frozen, and transported to Earth in spaceships that look exactly like Douglas DC-8’s (plus rocket engines), and dropped in the fires of a few volcanoes in Hawaii. The aliens all melted, resulting in their souls flying up, where Xenu caught them with a giant machine, and brainwashed them to believe false theology and thus making them very miserable. The souls flew around aimlessly until they finally inhabited a pack of Neanderthals, who evolved into humans, who are now miserable because of said souls. Please note that this religion was founded by a science-fiction writer who thought all of this up while under the knife (it is shown that the anesthesia used can cause rather odd dreams, much like the one Hubbard, the founder, had while he “discovered the universal truth”) Also, please note that the only way to advance in this religion, is to donate money to it. Thank you.

Satanist: A religion founded when a whole bunch of people got together and realized they hated Christianity enough to found a counter-religion, but didn’t have enough originality to create a brand new god. So instead, they opted to use the “Bad guy” of the Christian faith (Satan/the Devil/people who aren’t Christian), and opted to spread such influence by having bots post about it on YouTube consistently, much to the annoyance of the people trying to watch Korn Videos. Please note that the current High Priestess is a 40-something year old accountant who lives in New York City (no joke).

Alchemist: A religion founded when a bunch of Full Metal Alchemist fans got together and decided to found a religion based off of a Fantasy/Sci-Fi Manga. Members of said religion tend to be always single, over 250 pounds, and proficient in writing fan fiction. Enough said.

Pastafarian: The classic, fun-loving people who believe that the world was created by a flying spaghetti monster justly named: The Flying Spaghetti Monster. That aside, said religion sees Pirates as sacred emissaries to said monster’s words, and Fridays as holy holidays. Of course, no description would be complete without a mention of the Pastafarian heaven, which happens to contain both a volcano that spews forth beer and a factory which produces strippers. This particular religion is very popular among college students and little children.

Hinduism: A belief that the gods (The same ones who made it unholy to eat beef) control almost every imaginable matter. Also, when you die, depending on what you did during your life, you may get reborn as an infernal animal (Which is apparently a punishment).

Buddhist: The simple, honest religion for people who figure that the less they have, the happier they will be, much to the distaste of the people who control the capitalist market. They focus on reward through self discipline (and not in a sense of “Hey, I didn’t eat this slice of cake, so instead I’m going to have two cupcakes!”). These people also tend to find themselves with a lot of extra time.

Hitmen, and lack of them

Alright ladies and gentlemen, have you ever been talking to someone and they can't help but say something like "OMG, IM A HITMAN, LOLZ"? Doesn't it make you just want to stab something? Or for that matter, strangle something? Or use a lot of theoretical questions?

Now, this wouldn't be an issue at all is these people had ever held a length of garroting wire, or carry a silenced P99 with them. Hell, I would even settle for someone carrying around a Butterfly or WASP knife, so long as they did so in a really smarmy fashion. Sadly, doing the occasional lackluster stunt and threatening to kill someone after they steal some of your food does not make you a Hitman.

Another thing. A Hitman is a highly professional (Most of the time) and skilled assassin who's entire job relies on secrecy and staying anonymous. Riddle me this: Why would someone who preforms professional and hard to track killing for a living announce his/her occupation, much less on a MySpace profile? It's like driving a big white van with the words "Dead Bodies Inside" around a heavily policed area just for the fun of it. Come to think of that, I'm going to try that sometime, while wearing a purple tuxedo. Look for me on dateline.

Buy some Kevlar padded suits and a Denel NTW-20 in a padded briefcase. Strangle someone to death in a elevator and hide the body in a roof. Then call yourself a hitman. Otherwise, shut up.