What the VMA awards would look life if God was doing his job right.

After listening to so much crap about the VMA awards and reading the roster, it came to my attention that everyone on the show sucked. And I mean SUCKED. We are talking about a suck so epic, that I'm pretty sure the VMA awards are the biggest insult to God since the Tower Of Babel, an attempt by a bunch of stupid people to pierce the heavens with a massive phallus, which is basically what the VMA awards are.

So, rather than doing anything productive, I took a few minutes out of my busy Sunday night, turned up the music in my room real loud so I could pretend to ignore my family asking me to do things (I'm listening to some Rhapsody of Fire, by the way, check them out) and produced a list of how the VMA awards would have been handed out if MTV actually knew what music is.

Now, I'm sure that my thinking may not be super apparent in all of these topics, so I graciously provided a caption under all of them, so my reasoning would be more clear. Now that this is all in place, you have absolutely no reason short of admitting you listen to crappy music to disagree.

Of course, in arguing, you will probably be wrong.

Also, please note that I created this list based off of the past victories list from the MTV website. I do admit things probably have changed since then, so please, don't bother mentioning that.

Now that we have that out of the way, here we go!

Video Of The Year: Kamelot – Love You To Death
(If you wonder why, you probably aren’t capable of actually hearing things. OR seeing them for that matter)

Best Alternative Video: Korpiklaani – Vodka
(Alternative doesn’t really have any meaning besides the evil marketing executives thinking “well, we can’t instantly give these guys a label that corresponds to a vague base value, let’s slap an alternative label so everybody who think they’re different because they mix it up by listening to bands they actually discover on their own once and a while will buy it because it’s alternative”. What’s sad is that these people are right. This award goes to Korpiklaani for being unapproachably distinctive.)

Best Art Direction – Omadaka- Kokiriko Bushi
(Seeing as one guy with a lot of time on his hands managed to accomplish what the MTV drones still haven’t managed to even touch, Omadaka deserves this award)

Best Cinematography: Tarja – I Walk Alone
(Funny, I thought this was about the music. Either way, Tarja gets this award. I Walk Alone is like watching a movie. A rather good movie by Tarja standards)

Best Choreography: DJ Ozma – Age Age! Every Knight.
(If you don’t get this one, just tell any Mori No Ike person that AAEK isn’t amazing.. Then, try to ensure that you manage to squeeze most of your vital organs back into your body so you can at least die in mostly one piece)

Best Concept Video: Anj - Gorbachev
(If you wonder why, you haven’t seen the video yet)


Best Editing: Eluveitie - Omnos
(A beautiful cinematic masterpiece that tells a story in a language that has long since gone extinct)

Best Female Video: Sirenia – Path To Decay
(This is only until Epicas’ new video comes out)

Best Group: Kamelot
(Really)

Best Group Video: Kamelot – Love You To Death
(You may notice that Kamelot is winning a lot of awards here. You may also notice that Kamelot deserves a lot of awards.)

Best Hard Rock video: Hammerfall – Any Means Necessary
(Stuff exploding then reforming, only to explode again. And Hammerfall. Yes)

Best Heavy Metal Video: Battlelore – The Third Immortal
(Take an epic drum score, contrasting vocals and a chick who is fluent in Elven and you get a masterpiece)

Best Hip-Hop: The Cruxshadows – My Revenge On The World
(In addition to being one of the few Goth bands that produces dance music, The Cruxshadows are about the closest that you can get to conventional hip-hop without sucking)

Best Long-Form Video: Therion – The Miskloc Experience
(Therion + Entire Orchestra = F*** YEAH SEAKING)

Best Male Video: Gackt – Jesus
(In addition to being horribly ironic and possibly blasphemous, this video is a great combination of Gackt’s awesome and a nice healthy dose of an hero)

Best Metal\Hard Rock Video: Amorphis – Silver Bride
(While I have a nagging feeling that this topic has already been addressed, I’m just moving down the list of categories. Also, this is the perfect place for Amorphis to win something. Hooray!)

Best New Artist: Katra and/or Glass Delirium
(While Glass Delirium is more awesome than Katra, Katra does pull the one up by having a video with more special effects than Glass Delirium’s live video. To whichever member checks the Facebook: please make a video soon!)

Best Overall Performance: Kamelot
(Again)

Best Pop Video: Gackt – The Next Decade
(Delivering a healthy dose of Gackt in a way that only Gackt can)

Best R&B Video: None (Yet)
(Seeing as R&B really just consists of artists talking about sex, money, drugs, fast cars and monogamy, I’m making a video that features me walking around Downtown Denver in some mismatched clothes from popular stores while talking in a really off-key way about having sec in a fast car while doing drugs and being monogamous while scantily-clad women dance around the prove the point. This will be the best video of the year.)

Best Rock Video: The GazettE – Distress And Coma
(The GazettE’s long awaited return to the Stacked Rubbish style. Hooray!)

Best Special Effects: Hammerfall – Any Means Necessary
(So I’ve been told it costs a lot of money to blow things up)

Best Stage Performance: Therion
(I was almost tempted to give this to Kamelot. The contest ended up being decided by who has more Snowy Shaw.)

Best Video From A Film: Gackt – Ghost
(Electro-dance mix and The Terminator. I think so!)

Best Video Game Soundtrack: Guilty Gear XX Λ Core Plus
(The fact that it has Doctor Faust in it is a simple added plus)

Female Artist Of The Year: Simone Simons of Epica
(There’s no contest to this one. At all)

Male Artist Of The Year: Miyavi
(Ask around)

Most Earth Shattering Collaboration: Annete Olzen and Pain – Follow Me
(If that’s not a big deal, I don’t know what is)

Most Experimental Video: Anj – Gorbachev
(Stalin Zombies, Strippers, Capitalist rain and Prime Minister Of Russia Killing Machine? Beat That!)

Quadruple Thwart Of the Year: Roy Khan + Shagrath + Shsaca Parith + Thomas Youngblood
(Although this is a bit old, this category was obviously invented as a onetime thing. Also, the results of this super-lineup were enough to make this the Quadruple Threat of every year. Literally)

Video Vanguard Award: Sonic Syndicate – POWERSHIFT
(I actually have no idea what this award is. So I’m giving to a band I stopped paying attention to)

Viewer’s Choice Award: Gackt – Jesus
(A guy who looks like a combination of Anton Chigur and a generic punk rocker capping himself with a Walther while Gackt jumps around on tables and acts demonically? YESYESYESYESYES)

An open letter to a generic member of society

In the past few days, I've been working hard to observe my normal schedule; namely sleep for about four hours every day, from the hours of 6:00 AM to 10:00 AM.

Now, in one of my 3:30 AM strokes of genius, I had the questionably brilliant idea of sending some Finntroll lyrics to about 30 random people, courtesy of my phone and random button pressing.

I had thought rather nothing of it until later in the day, when upon reading a questionably obtained bulletin, posted A La MySpace, I found that one of the people had somehow gotten the idea off of this that I was a creeper.

While I won't go through great lengths to disprove such theory, I do however offer the following open letter, in hopes that it indeed sheds some light on the horrendous thought crime committed under such circumstances.

While it is indeed possible to sympathize with your possible distaste for the harmonic classics of Finntroll propaganda, along with possible inconveniences created with the use of an untimely hour to deliver simple unnerving prose to a vast group of determinately unenlightened people, the way you seemingly "handled" the situation does create a general sense of unease.

We here at the very bottom; the "creepers" so to speak (in use of a term created entirely by people very much like you) take pride in the fact we have managed to claw our way to the very depths of the conventional social caste, much deeper down in the eyes of the superficial than any natural actions, appearances of unconventional lifestyles could possibly afford. We do take a certain pride in knowing that we keep the social caste in order by creating a public enemy, creating common ground on the basis of distaste, and even allowing for many a discouraged person to take solace in the knowing that they will never be as spited as certain figures. In addition to these benefits often taken for granted, such opportunities also allow for a small rise in self-esteem in the thinking of some people, who seem to think that as opposed to simply acting out of joy for causing mental turmoil and unrest, manage to disillusion themselves into thinking that such person has some form of one sided connection to them, and thus creating a circumstance much like the ones listed above.

With the sacrifice necessary to selflessly serve one's community, I feel I speak for all of us so-called "Creepers" when I say that it is indeed a discouragement to receive no gratification for one's work. A spiteful return, or possibly an attempt at rebuttal are indeed reward for one's efforts, and the intellectual chain the often follows can be considered a near necessary sacrifice for ensuring that the social caste always has someone to hate.

Therefore, it is rather unfair, cruel even, to deprive someone of an outcome. While this act on it's own is indeed rather demoralizing to all parties involved, it seems even more unjust to refer to someone by an assigned name, particularly: "Creeper". The irony that all this occurred on a mainstream social network, the social and intellectual cesspools of first-world society, continues this point. Perhaps augmenting this is the use of near Orwellian "Newspeak"; present in the form of abbreviations and attempts to replace actual conversational emotion with the use of several curt key board strokes.

Although this letter provides nothing more than a short summary of circumstance that is widely unknown and ignored, along with an emotionless chastisement for certain seemingly harmless action, I do ask that it be held in at least some regard.

With thanks
~Shinyka


PS: Please also make note that this entire letter contains less spelling and grammar errors than one of your average sentences.

FNORD

Long Awaited

Worst Update Evarrr

Plant life (and by extention, Numerous mentions of ObScure)

As the Germans say: Eine Welt ohne Betriebe ist nur so gut wie Hochschule ohne gefährliche schwarze Betriebe, die als gefährliche halluzinogenische Substanz dienen, die Veränderungen mit dem Ergebnis eines Gruppe Bestehens später verursachen kann: Ein Hacker, ein akrobatischer Skater mit einem kühlen Auto und Schrotflinte, ein Norweger, ein goth, ein PizzaLieferbote, der erlernte, wie man Verriegelungen auswählt, als er Zeit im Gefängnis, in einem Fußballspieler verbrachte, in einem videospiel gewesenen asiatischen Mädchen mit einem komischen Namen und einem blondem mit einem IQ von über 150 zusammen ausgießend, um die veränderten Gleichen zu kämpfen und später in einem Professor, der ihnen anfangs heraus hilft, indem es sie mit Spritzen und Batterien liefert, aber verrät sie später um des Bildens des Plots willen sogar weniger Binde- aber neueres Fallopfer zum Bruder des Goth Mädchens (der Fußballspieler) der unter Stadiumlichtern zerquetscht wird.

Or, for those of you who can’t read German: A world without plants is only as good as college without dangerous black plants that serve as a dangerous hallucinogenic substance that can later cause mutations resulting in a group consisting of: A hacker, an acrobatic skater with a fast car and shotgun, a Norwegian, a Goth, a pizza delivery man who learned how to pick locks when he spent time in jail, a football player, a video game obsessed Asian girl with a comical name and a blond girl with an IQ of over 150 teaming together to fight the mutated peers and later a professor who at first helps them out by supplying them with syringes and batteries but later betrays them for the sake of making the plot even less cohesive but later falls victim to the Goth girl's brother (the football player) who is crushed beneath stadium lights. (Really)

Or, for those of you who really don’t feel like hearing a poorly abbreviated survival-horror plotline: A peaceful world without plants is like a rich white child without media preference lest anything goes wrong (like a door jamming).
Or, for those of you who ignored the last paragraph because it began with the word “or” (in which case you should stop reading this, even though it is directed at you), the world needs plants to survive. Now, some of you may wonder what plants have to do with the road to making progress (or perhaps, in some extreme cases, actual success in life). My answer: Shut up.
But seriously, while attempting to live your hopefully progressing life, it is important to remember just what plants do for us. In fact, without plants, we wouldn’t have any of the following:

• Oxygen
• Cannabis addictions
• Date Rape
• About half the poisons we have today
• Some form of tourist control (In the form of people who believe that reading a brief page found on Yahoo makes them botanists and accidentally ingest Belladonna, believing it to be some form of medicinal herb)
• 2,000 people dying per day thanks to tobacco usage
• Opium addictions
• Botany
• Strange black leaves that grow on college campuses causing hallucinations and eventual mutations
• Tea
• Herbal Essence Shampoo and Conditioner (Actually, this is strictly theoretical. We would probably still have it even with a lack of any actual Herbal Essence)
• People comically slipping on banana peels (They would have to slip on something else, like say, for example: beef)
• Faust



As you might have hopefully recognized, without plants, we would lack not only something impossible to live without, but a means of breathing as well (in the form of Oxygen and Faust, in that order.) Unfortunately, most of the other things that plants give us are not so beneficial (Now before anybody says anything, only some parts of this blog are meant to be taken seriously, and this is not one of them). To make a point, I have decided to prepare a small chart, useful for identifying most of the important plants.



Now that we have all that out of the way, I bid thee adeiu until next time, as quite frankly, I'm getting sick of talking about plants

A giant ball of fire, A.K.A. The sun

Now, for those of you who don’t know (or else attend public school), the sun is a very important part of all life. It keeps us warm (Often to a rather uncomfortable extent), makes our plants grow (forcing us to mow the lawn on a frequent basis), and gives us daylight to see by (Ensuring that we never get enough sleep). However, while the sun is necessary, it is not entirely enjoyable. Remember those days where the Yuppies would run outdoors yelling things like “Take me, mister sun, make me pretty”.
As it turns out those Yuppies were wrong. The sun, as enjoyable as it is, can cause burning or worse (charring, in some unlucky cases, such as people who wear heavy metallic necklaces into the sun, or else fall asleep while lying on charcoal grills). As it would turn out, the sun does quite the opposite, (unless you consider beauty to be the “grilled lobster look”. More on this later), often making skin fry and pores to clog up, along with causing eye damage and general discomfort. Yet, avoiding the problems of the sun by no way means blacking out your house and living life like a secluded blond albino, you can go perfectly happy without having to make your hair blond. The rest of the stuff unfortunately is perfectly necessary. To help the process out, see the below checklist

□ Step one: Express your anger to the sun. This is the simple step. All you need to do is run outdoors, hold up your fist and yell “CURSE YOU SUN!” at the top of your lungs. For safety reasons, it is advised to make sure that you are alone when you do this

□ Step two: Identify how the sun’s light is entering your home. The simplest way to do this is to turn the lights off and walk around the house. Try to figure where the light is coming from. If you can’t see any then you can skip the next three steps (Or else retry this during the daytime)

□ Step three: Pour butter on top of a stack of pancakes. This way, you can enjoy a nice hearty pancake meal after you finish sun-proofing your house

□ Step four: Sun proof your house. This comes into a simple one-two punch method. First, you want to re-find the places where the sun is entering your house. Second, you want to fill these areas with roofing concrete, until the sun no longer bothers you.

□ Step five: Enjoy a pancake meal. Make sure to use plenty of maple syrup.

□ Step six: Eliminate threats to your safety. Sadly, not everybody employs the idealism conveyed in this blog. So, when accepting visitors, make sure to look out for several tell-tale signs that they might be a threat to your security

o A deep tan. This means the person has spent a lot of time in the sun. If the tan is orange, they’ve just been baking under a tanning bed. In which case, you still shouldn’t be around them.

o A long coat, a large hat, and a wooden stake. If you have people like this at your door, it means you’ve been mistaken for a vampire. It is advised to move.

o Someone with a large box. Actually, the box could contain almost anything. Still, don’t take any chances. Show them the door (But don’t actually go through it).

o An unnatural glow. Even if this glow isn’t solar, it still isn’t a good idea to have these people in your house

□ Step seven: Dress for success. Since you’ve taken effort to block the sun from your life, it helps to dress in such a way that incorporates the changes. Ideally, men would be dressed in a long black formal coat, complete with coattails, top hat and black, shaggy hair, with women garnering a long gothic dress (preferably red) with plenty of frill. Also, add formal driving gloves

□ Step eight: Always have an escape route. You may think “My defenses are perfect”, but odds are, if you actually followed any of the advice in this book, many things will be far from perfect. We recommend digging beneath your basement until you hit an aquifer, then putting an escape boat-house onto it.

A few easy steps and Viola! You now live a perfectly safe life, hiding from one of the world’s most natural things! But such is the cost of a happy, fulfilling existence. Just remember, if you are forced to go outside, for whatever reason, you should always 日本語で話しなさい.

My great idea for the television industry

As of late, it strikes me that television shows are beginning to become more and more inane. Naturally, I would respond to this problem the same way I respond to political unrest and teen pregnant people; mainly: ignore it. However, during one of my 2:30 AM brainstorming sessions, it has indeed occurred to me that I could indeed perhaps contribute somehow to noted industry. That and the fact I am finally in an inspired mood, and would hate to waste the perfectly good chance to practically vomit out sarcasm and wit onto the internet.

Without any further verbal ado, I give you my best idea of the day.

America's Next Top Jesus

The "reality" purpose of this faith-driven reality TV show would be entirely to find the next best candidate for Jesus. Naturally, this show would be divided into five month seasons with a new episode airing every Sunday, as to give the religious families something to do during the nights after they finish a long day of throwing virgins into volcanoes at church, or whatever it is they do.

The season would begin with about fifty bearded men being rounded up from suburban homes, church, rehab centers and jails. The bearded men would then be given numbers and thrown into the ocean from a fishing barge. At the end of the day, the survivors (as defined by the people who didn't drown; quite possibly because they might be able to walk on water. Or else make a raft out of the other contestants) would then be rounded up with a modified aquatic combine mower and herded into an upbeat Vegas hotel with room service and daily organ concerts, which would serve as the "home base" for the show.

Following such beginning trials, the noted men (and perhaps a women on testosterone to mix up the show a bit and provide for a really awkward public relationship) would be forced to run away from heavily armed Italians while giving rousing public speeches on top of natural inclines.

Each of the rousing religious speech would be judged by a panel of four judges, consisting of Tyra Banks, Tarja Turunen, Fidel Castro and Gregory Rasputin. At the end of each week, the judges would determine a "weakest link" who would then be dragged out into a Middle Eastern territory, stripped by a pair of comicly dressed GIMPS and stoned to death, both drug wise and rock wise.

At the end of the season, the remaining men would be put on trial in front of a court consisting of kidnapped senior citizens for a combination of high treason and parking fines which would be juried by The Ted Bundy Fan Club. Those who are not convicted get to continue on to the next part of the show, where they would be publicly beaten by any spectator willing to pay $50 for an authentic Passion of The Chirst Beatin' Stick.

Any of the contestants who did indeed survive noted event would first be closely examined to confirm that the identity of such is not Tuomas Holopainen before getting drugged and crucified during the halftime of an NFL game. Any player following halftime that knocks the cross down scores a touchdown for his team. If one of the members of the previous round was Tuomas Holopainen, he is indeed allowed to stand at the foot of the crosses and throw potatoes at the other contestants while crying.

Following crucifixion, the bodies of the contestants would be dumped into a mineshaft in New Hampshire, which would then be sealed with dynamite, and casting for the next season would then begin.

In the event that one of the contestants does indeed crawl out of the mineshaft, said person would indeed by crowned the New Messiah, before being handed over to Shagrath, who would throw Skittles at him.

My View On Attitude

It is impossible to overstate the importance of a healthy attitude. Actually, this is a lie; one could easily say "Without a healthy attitude, Brit-pop would be the only thing on MTV" or "Unhealthy attitude is the leading cause of cancer, leukemia, autism, OCD and Uwe Boll movies". Of course though, a healthy attitude is indeed important.

To save you the trouble of having to come up with your own perspectives and views on attitudes on Attitude, I've taken the liberty of writing the three major attitude varieties below. They are as follows: Optimism, Pessimism and MacGyver.

Scenario one: A glass, which only contains half capacity of water
Optimistic Response: The glass is half full
Pessimistic Response: The glass is half empty
MacGyver Response: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be

Scenario two: The loss of a left hand
Optimistic Response: At least I’m right handed!
Pessimistic Response: I’m only half as useful now!
MacGyver Response: All you need to make a new hand is some glue and toothpicks!

Scenario three: Breaking up with a loved one
Optimistic Response: It was for the best
Pessimistic Response: I’m nothing up without him/her/it
MacGyver Response: One new lover, coming right up…

Scenario four: A locked door with no key
Optimistic Response: We probably don’t need to know what’s behind it anyway
Pessimistic Response: Now another piece of the world shall remain a painful mystery
MacGyver Response: Lock picking!

Scenario five: The lights go out
Optimistic Response: I like the dark
Pessimistic Response: I hate the dark
MacGyver Response: It’s easy to make a new light bulb…